son0fether

… post a poem.

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To All My Friends by HAUNTIE
(AKA May Yang)

That I could be this human at this time
breathing, looking, seeing, smelling

That I could be this moment at this time
resting, calmly moving, feeling

That I could be this excellence at this time
sudden, changed, peaceful, & woke

To all my friends who have been with me in weakness
when water falls rush down my two sides

To all my friends who have felt me in anguish
when this earthen back breaks between the crack of two blades

To all my friends who have held me in rage
when fire tears through swallows behind tight grins

I know you
I see you
I hear you

Although the world is silent around you

I know you
I see you
I hear you

You know that feeling you get at the first part of a depressive episode when you started doing all the high-key things that balance out your mental health and so you feel slightly better … and now you’re not sure whether you were mistaken about the depression? And you’re kinda gaslighting yourself like … maybe I just had rolling waves of sadness and crying because I’m just a failsome person … yeah. I know not to listen to the voice of “stop doing the extra stuff, you don’t really need it”. But it’s still not a great situation, and I want to register that objection.

Bittersweet songs on YouTube behind the cut: ( Read more... )

Meow.

I am not sure whether I’m going into a depressive episode or was just really sick this weekend. I had some nausea and intestinal cramping and various issues but I seem to have mostly bounced back from that? I don’t feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for every bad thing that has happened in my life? So I have no clue, but I’m going to keep doing the day-lamp light and hope that that plus my other accustomed workarounds for my mental health will be enough to indefinitely forestall the crushing waves of sadness. Maybe it was the two separate crying jags that I let myself have Saturday night? Actually feeling my feelings might be therapeutic, somehow; who knew? (If you knew, then no you didn’t, 🤫)

In other news, today was a bear. I:
• went to the school super early for hot stone trades;
• mailed the first set of winter packages (before winter! *pauses to be proud of myself*);
• noticed that my car was saying to check my stop lamps, and I did, and one of the lights was out, so I went to an auto parts store and got some of the non-blinding LED lights which I will hope will last longer and will put those in tomorrow afternoon;
• went to the store and got groceries;
• came home and put away groceries;
• Mom and I made leftovers Jambalaya
• put cold packs on the steam-burn I got on my hand, ow;
• we ate - it was pretty good, and then I came upstairs to vegetate and be in a partial food coma even though I didn’t eat that much.

Bodies are weird and mine has been being extra unpredictable this last week. Tomorrow kicks off another three days of school, so wish me luck, and if you are the candle-lighting/hugging/etc. sort, then thank you for the hugs and well-wishes and lit candles on behalf of my brain. Y’all are amazing. 😻